haha, Hi Assalamualaikum!
Today is our first lovely son birthday, He is now entering the 3 years old era, and alhamdulillah he is healthy, clever and cheeky as always. This is not a post about celebrating him yet, ill do it in another post. I just wanted to say and write a lot of other things that have been playing in my minds.
But! first of all, thankyou kids for tidur dengan awal malam ni, mummy finally got some time to update on this lovely blog of mine. #HAPPYTEARS when other mumsies said they dont have time to blog, just simply believe them. Haha, it was so hard to be on the computer, alone. Kalau betul pun macam nak tulis and simpan memori, ill have to update on my phone dan itu ye, sangat memenatkan to type 9283892 words on mini screen.
One of my concern nowadays is me, myself. I felt that i am a bad mother to my kids. I always thought, "oh because im tired, sebab tu lah selalu marah anak anak" but i dont think so, i just realised. that i am simply just a bad mom. I get so angry easily, i shouted at them when they dont listen to me, i just need a shortcut time so that i dont stressed out my self, so most of the time,nowadays i just shouted/cubit at them so they will listen to me. But of course then, that perangai will just stressed me out MORE.
AND I KNOW, THAT IS SO SO BAD. And at the very of the day, the thoughts of me, yang jadi mak jahat ni akan consumed my self, and i stressed out, i cried, and the cycle repeats.
I think that i develop anxiety because of that. I sometimes hate myself, for not becoming good enough for them, for thinking why would they have such mother like me. Why i cant become more patient like other mothers. Why would i made a big fuss over small little things. I am so sad.
It was different before i get to be a mother. I dont have responsibilities, i dont have to entertains babies/kids, i dont have to get angry all the times, and now why do these sunshines of mine making me more angry when i should be grateful of having them :(((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((
I talk to my husband about this, but is still get sad of every other day. I cried to him, but i know nothing will change if i dont change myself.
Yesterday, i shouted at my son sebab buat perangai masa nak kemas, lagi lagi bila ada papa dia, mengada nya lain macam mintak ampun. So i geram, i got angry at him, i cubit him and i shouted at him, i told him to sleep just because he still tak nap lagi, so i thought sebab tu la dia cranky. And suddenly i cranky to my husband also. Sebab nak keluar tapi anak buat perangai. Tak best sangat.
Masa my husband settled our car seats nak kena pasang kat kereta, i cried in front of Althaf, i felt so bad sebab marah kat dia tak tentu pasal . Berlinang linang air mata, i said "mummy sorry sangat sangat althaf, mummy cubit althaf, mesti sakit, mummy sorry mummy jerit jerit kat althaf" and then i cried again and my son came to me, slowly wiping my tears off, and said "okay mummy..."
My heart just breaking into pieces, thinking why would i do that. I should have not have expectations if i told them to do something, they will immediately listen and follow.
It is just nowadays, i just have a lot of things to do at house. Since our bibik aways for her homes for months, i have to take care of things around the house, sometimes i cook and clean up, but most of the times my mom will cooks, and i felt grateful and serba salah also, but i still have to do other house cores, and at the same time entertaining my kids, etc.
I promised my self, again, just to be patient with them, walaupun nanti on another day, i forgot about my promises, when my tiredness became my halangan to be more patient, but anak anak, mummy promised, mummy will do better another seconds, another hours, and another days okay? Mummy sayangg sangat sangat anak anak mummy. Sayang sangat... :((
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Okay move on to a happy side, Althaf muhammad is finally diapers-free. Alhamdulillah, just month before he is 3, i decided to potty train him. Sebelum ni reluctant nak train dia memikirkan menumpang je kat rumah mama, and takut dia terkucil kat sofa ke, karpet ke tilam ke.
But alhamdulillah, kebocoran dia selama ini hanyalah di lantai. It was an easy journey jugak sebenarnya, since i start late with him, and dia pun mostly faham arahan, and pundi dia tu rasanya dah bersedia lama untuk bebas pampers.
Malam pun tak pernah lagi dia bocor, kalau dia nak kencing dia akan bangun nangis sikit and kata nak pergi toilet.
Keluar pun sama, everything is good except that masa tu mummy pergi Terengganu dengan maryam tak bawak dia, Papa report yang dia terkencing kat pizza hut, padahal papa dah bawak dah pergi tandas tapi dia reluctant nak kencing. Haha
Paling tough for me, was day 1. Nanti I tunjuk kat bawah ni carta potty train dia, hari pertama lah paling banyak boncor , pastu Mummy malam tu marah sangat sangat kat dia sebab dia macam kencing merata nak sakitkan hati mummy. Haha. Tapi memang perasan first few days kalau dia merajuk ke tak puas hati, nanti dia kencing sesaje kat mana mana. Adala dalam 3 kali jugak selain hari first tu.
Thankyou and alhamdulillah baby mummy, sebab selalu sabar dengan mummy. Sebab selalu dengar cakap mummy, selalu jadi abang yang baik untuk adik, anak yang baik untuk mummy papa, Penceria hati mummy papa..
I love you so much, althaf muhammad. Semoga jadi anak, cucu, abang, kawan, masyarakat yang baik, berguna, berjasa, untuk semuaaaaaaa orang di sekeliling althaf ye. Amin ya rabbal alamin..
i love you, with all my heart :(
