honesty

I always thought that being honest is always a very good act that we can do and practice. I mean, we all do lie often to be in the good side, to prove that we are not actually wrong or you are just a liars to be at the beginning of your smelly breath on the day you are borned to see the world. KAH. I am living my life by believing that you must try as hard as you can to be honest. Unless, *under some circumstances*

Anyway, having to sacrificed my only one and a half months of holiday just for practical course is something that i dont really fancy. (But now that i have been here in the office for days and seems like the workers here are like coming from heaven and all they do is giving me duit raya, i do seems to be fancy of this *chuckle*) .You are in part 5, and another one semester left, and although all you do during the second last semester is ponteng kelas, and only had dragon fire breath during the weeks of final examination, but still i do need holiday . Holiday from all the im-not-doing-well-in-exam-so-gonna-repeat-some-of-the-papers-but-first-let-me-enjoy-the-sugar-sweet-melancholy-of-this-heavenly-free-time and yup here comes "practical thingy". 

So, this one morning during my seat browsing the internet on this cozy red chair, the boss assistant called us saying that the boss wanna meet us. Here goes the nervous movement, eyes went juling, fingers went freezing, bulu starts coming out from my ears and please stop that qila. HAhaha..a...aaa Because that day will be the first time we meet personally with the boss, and it is a norm to be nervous when this occasion comes right? 

And all the nervousness went nothing. He seems so niceeeeeeeeeeeeee. Nope. he is niceeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee . Seriously, i think he is in his forty, but still look young and cool and his office looks very neat and calming. He asked where we study, our course, and bla bla blaa.. until this question came out from his mouth "cita cita nak jadi apa?"

Then..here..it..comes..the.."honest moment with your 1/1/2 months boss"

"em..saya nak jadi suri rumah." with proud face and a bit of prettiness. (kahkah)

The boss looked at me with shock-controlled-expression and with some nodded movement. After he asked the other girl with the same question, he looked back at me like a father who worries about his daughter that occasionally get drunk every night and taking ganja with her friends, acting like monyet in the public, wears clothes like kim kardashian and etc..

he said

"awak tak boleh macam tu bla bla bla... ...kita sekarang ni zaman lain bla bla bla......kena ada cita cita,,,cita cita kena besar.bla bla bla...hidup zaman ni hidup sara tinggi..perempuan zaman sekarang bla bla bla... .....zaman degree dulu bla bla bla... awak belajar guna duit mak ayah awak kena bla bla bla..."

After he ends his speech i was so .. *deadpanned* i was not expecting this actually. Nor that i wanted to hear he compliment me because of the dream i have. I'm just so speechless of being that stupid. I could not foresee that the company that i have been doing my practical is a high class company..i mean...i know that the company is a very structural organised company but still my immature attitude cannot be hidden even.....but.....and...now....what would he thinks of me...i must be like burung gagak suara kepit that lost her kepak to him. My first impression to the boss was so devastating. Can you feel me? Can youuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuu? *kesat air mata nanah*

but still, he is very nice.

May Allah ease his life dunya akhirat.

still into you

Thought that i have been stop liking you since i unfollowed you from any social networks which obviously you, not even one try to follow me back. I dont really care if this happen with other people, but hey im crushing on you. You should give me some feedback lah . bukan kah patutnya? kahkah

I think it was about for 3 months that when nights come and you are not in my mind, not stalking you anymore, and im okay with that. I thought. But..i think it was because i have been actively hiking and some guys have been entering in and out of my mind constantly and i thought naaah,

But in just one moment, you appeared back on my mind , and now i have been actively stalking you back like a retarded fat dugong who have a dream to marry a prince. Of course, you are not like the prince. You are just a jerk that have good face (im not quite sure with this), nice talent, and some ruined attitudes and mental disability and bajet bagus and whatevah.

And during this Ramadhan, i happened to be having a practical course in Shah Alam, which is quite okay for me up until now. But the other days, didah came and requested to solat Terawih at Masjid UiTM Shah Alam, and then i remembered this one crucial extraordinary moment happen at the masjid during the old days back when i still study at Shah Alam. 

Back then when i was so crazy about him, that even in my prayer i asked Allah to give me a hint, if he is the one for me, he should be up in front of me during this prayer. That time we were asked to berjemaah together with boys at the front, and girls at the back.  

IT REALLLLLLLLLLLY HAPPENED. After we finished our prayer, right after that i was just looking at the front crowd and he was there, sat in front of me wearing baju melayu in green color. And that moment, i was seriously shocked. I mean, who would not be shocked right? Its like Allah have gave me a hint that he is the one for me, and i liked him so much back then. and of course he was not and still not likes me but woooo. That was big vent for me. Although only me and Allah knows. 

But i dont know, up untill now, he still doesnt know me ( he might just basically know me, and i appear to be a girl who seems familiar to him la kot, haha). And i have feelings too, to be loved so i thought what really happened back then was just a gift from Allah bagi mengubati hatiku yang lara dan lama sangat syok sendiri.

Since i have been making and know a lot of guys friends, many guys come into my mind and i thought yeah why not try to like some other guys than him. And it was just okay for me to adjust and like other guys. Try to give my own self the opportunity. But it doesnt seems right. The feels.

But for now, lets just follow the flows.

Because feelings changed. and they do changed.

Ku sangka sepertinya air

Ku sangka sepertinya air,

Yang tiada putus mengalir,

Seperti aliran sejuk berair,

Di perairan lembah yang mencair.

Ku sangka sepertinya air,

Menyapa hangat nafasku yang mengalir,

Mengimbangkan akan rasa yang tersengat,

Tapi bukan damai yang terpikat.

Ku sangka sepertinya air, 

Bak darah berdegup lari mengalir,

Hati berdenyut berdegup lenguh,

Sakit, teriakku separa mengaduh.

Ku sangka sepertinya air,

Duduk ku tegap di bawah atap gua berair,

Harapan ku agar tenang yang mengalir,

Lama duduk ku makin bengkok, disirami kenangan pekat darah hanyir..

Percaya ku sangkanya jitu bak air di perlembahan yang senantiasa mengalir,
tetapi bukanlah kau seperti tenang nya air yang berlari lembut ke dasar hati
yang nafasnya tiada henti bergulir,
terima kasih atas harapan yang kau aliri,
akan ku genggam kenangan hanyir ini didalam benak ingatanku..
buat jadi pengajaran selama mana aku berputar berlari di perairan masa.. 

-As

Bodoh

Manusia itu penuh dengan kebodohan,

Tidak pernah kenal dengan erti faham,

Tidak pernah faham dengan yang salah,

Salah yang terang menyinari jiwa.

Kerna manusia itu sering lupa,

Terbuai dengan keindahan kenangan,

Tertipu dengan jiwa dan rasa,

Terlena dengan kenyamanan.

Aku bodoh. 

Ya, aku manusia yang sangat bodoh.

Untuk tertipu buat kali keduanya.

Kerna aku lupa,

Kerna aku lupa,

Kerna aku.... lupa,

Rasa yang pernah ditusuk didalam jiwa

Rasa yang ngilu dikala mata dipejam

Rasa yang hanyir dikala kenangan menerjah

Rasa yang yang jatuh dikala malam menjelma

Kenapa..

Kenapa.. Aku perlu tertipu buat kali keduanya,

Kenapa.. Aku perlu menjadi sebegini bodoh untuk kesekian kalinya..